Critters Movie Poster

So, the movie opens and we are on an outer space prison planet housing some nefarious otherworldly types. BAM! Our movie’s namesakes escape and we, the movie viewer, are suddenly transported to a normal Midwestern country home down on the farm. We have the standards: a misbahavin’ pre-teen carrot-topped son (they are always red-haired!), the bitchy and horny teen-aged farmer’s daughter, farmer big hair, and the mom from ET. A perfectly mundane clan…ripe for the gettin’!

Critters Bounty HuntersThe escaped Critters plan to pop on down to the farm and have themselves a snack. Not only are they planning a visit, but a couple of other-worldly shape-shiftin’ bounty hunters are as well. The head-shift-in-charge picks the most popular rocker of the moment, Jonathan Steele’s face…who has a hit song…that they play often in case we forget. The other dude, I guess he’s a tad more fickle.

The ferocious tribbles with teeth aren’t as picky and start on their carnivorous cavorting. They find Pops of the pompadour tasty enough to go back for more, but first chomp on Billy Zane…which is fine because his pony tail/mullet thing was too gross to live.

Bounce back to the boys; bounty hunter 2 basically starts a shift equivalent to a woman trying to figure out what to wear for a first date. First, let’s try on the sheriff…this works, and hey, we have a car! After having a blast at church, sheriff-faced bounty hunter 2 morphs into the preacher and off they go again.

Charlie, the town’s drunken simpleton, has seen what he’s seen, but not a soul believes him (so he gets drunker over at the bowling alley, of course). But wrong place, wrong time. The bad boy bounty hunters show up (like anything else is happening in this town), trash the place, and fickle decides Charlie’s face would be fun…for wearing.

Back on the farm, the family hatches a plan to make the ginger go out and try to find help.. and he succeeds!…in getting as far as the hen coop…where he spies one of them growing to twice their size! Not only that, they give ol’ sleazy teen an uber hickey on her neck and drag her into the spaceship.

Will her brother’s trouble making ways save the day? Will the simple Charlie be the hero he’s always longed to be? Will his sister birth a litter of slutty, toothy, fur babies? You will just have to reach for the stars and zap it on to your tele to find out!

There are a many fine movie moments including: A punk rock apocalyptic House looking wannabe in a duster, bowling, critters, mandatory 80’s montage with an ET doll and feathers, excessive violence against a toilet, one of the first mobile phones, destruction and chaos!, restoration and repair!, a kitty, space ships, and some fabulous intergalactic hair! (well, and really terrible Billy Zane hair).

CRITTERS