The movie opens on a young girl dressed with a gown atop her jean attire. She is reciting the lines to her favorite book, The Labyrinth. A clock chimes and she’s brought back to her well-off and whiny life. She dashes from a grand garden back to her home to pout and fret in front of her step mother (perfect for her wretched fairy tale life) and father, placing all the “it’s not fair!” blame on them and their child, the little Where’s Waldo onesie wearing, Toby. Her parental units leave and her tantrum rages as both we, and a creeping, peeping owl, witness.
Pout pout pout. Rant rant rant. “You stole my teddy bear you rotten baby! I wish the goblins would come and take you away….right now. Huff, huff, hrmp, hrm? Toby? Toby?” No, not Toby, but instead of a yowling baby there is a hot goblin in his bedroom. ‘Oh, Sarah’, our dearly belated and beloved Bowie coos as instant remorse fills her frame. He uses his dulcet tones and his fancy ball handling skills to woo her into donating the baby to his goblin cause and to go about her business. He basically tells her that’s all you keep bitching about…all the time. Your wish, you whiny baby, is granted. But, she realizes she’s a horrid beast and makes a deal with Jareth, the Goblin King, that if she reaches his castle entrenched in the middle of the maze within 13 hours’ time, she can bring her brother home. If not, the super sexy cod piece wearing Goblin Bowie King (GBK) was going to start painting little goblin eyebrows on his new To(b)y.
And, just like that, the journey begins…and much like Dorothy, but whinier, she takes off on her quest. She encounters a lumpy little fairy killer by the name of Hoggle. He offers advice as does a cute little worm, and with that, she is on her way to the center…perhaps. Like Alice while in Wonderland, Sarah encounters a few riddle askers, some underground destination changers, and a hand-filled hole which leads her to one of the land’s oubliettes….no way outsville baby…until Hogwart (It’s Hoggle!) comes to save the day…or has he? As we know GBK had not so sweetly asked for him to lead her back to the maze’s edge. He is in a fret over this directive as she gives Hoggle kisses and plastic baubles and calls him friend (whom he ain’t never had one of dem before!), and GBK just gives insults and threats. What is poor Hoggle to do? Well, after hearing loud growling cries up ahead, he runs as any good coward would, but not the entitled Sarah! She runs toward the wailing and sees a few spike-helmeted weenies torturing the cuddliest of all giant creatures.
That’s just rude! She grabs a nearby rock and chucks it at the creepy captors. More rocks conveniently show up near her feet so more rock chucking ensues, and soon Sarah is able to free her newest, and by far most giant, friend, Ludo. He doesn’t know how to get to the castle, but he’s still a nice companion to hang with on her journey…until he is swallowed up by the sparkly forest and she’s molested by some head tossers (oh, have a mentioned this is a bit of a musical?). Eventually, Hoggle shows back up, Jareth teleports them all to the Bog of Eternal Stench (one foot in it and you will smell for the rest of your stanky life) where they meet another fox, this one of the I have a tail varieties, and his faithful sheepdog mate Ambrosious, and they continue on…
until they start feeling peckish. Hogwart (Hoggle!) gives Sarah the tainted peach Jareth forced upon him and runs away as her memory of why she was there, her little bro, and her life back in the burbs, starts fading out. She starts hallucinating on the fruit and is transported to a dream masquerade where the Goblin King sings, and woos, and tells her he loves her…basically, every geeky girl from the 80’s fantasy, except hers, because she fights his super sexy powers and crashes out of the land of dance and pomp and circumstance and into a junk yard and her bed room.
Will she stay in her junk room forever playing with her toys and trinkets, or will she get to the castle in time to save her little brother (who has not cried the entire time he was in the Goblin’s realm)? Will she and David Bowie make out to the sadness and desire of young women and gay boys everywhere? Will she ever have to look at her parent’s faces again and tell them she’s an only child? One may have to enter the Labyrinth and reach the end to discover that yourself.
This movie has, plenty of awesome things: David Bowie in form fitting pants, a throng of lovable Jim Henson’s creatures, David Bowie’s hair, awesome masks, David Bowie’s original songs, a babe with the power of voodoo, who do? The babe, fun sets, oh, and David Bowie.