What are the odds of The Donald becoming our next president?

I am hoping slim to none, but I am quickly losing faith in the American people.

About the same as me finding Justin Bieber less horrible this year than the last.

Considering Hillary is officially the Democratic nominee, and a part of the Democratic population does not like her, he has a very scary chance of winning.  I give him a 66.6% chance of winning.

I’d say pretty slim, but I’m excited to see what unfolds from this election process–will Republicans jump ship and abstain from voting entirely? Will they vote for Hillary?! Will they continue their downward spiral into historical mess by publicly condoning Trump’s statements and policies while simultaneously endorsing him as a candidate? You guys! We are witnessing the exact moments that will be described in future History books detailing the demise of the Republican Party and I, for one, am really fucking excited to have a front row seat.

What are the odds of you finding The Biebs less horrible this year?

Probably also slim to none, although I must say I am feeling his newest album and I am a little embarrassed about it.

About the same as the Cubs winning the World Series

I think with each passing year I hear less news about him. Which means the less he appears on my radar. Therefore, I will probably find him less horrible, because he won’t even come to my mind this year.

I have liked every Bieber song this year. Haters gonna hate.

What are the odds the Cubs will win the World Series this year?

Just, no.

About the same as me birthing a child via immaculate conception and then me taking it to the zoo and forgetting all sense of parental duty.


I’ve got to give it to them, they have been making great moves and are doing great this year. In my very sophisticated analysis, I have them winning with a probability of 88.9562%.

For their sake (and their fans), I hope good. But let’s be clear–I’d prefer the Sox.

What are the odds of your child sneaking into a gorilla exhibit?

My child will be so well behaved I won’t even have to worry about that. I have watched every episode of Super Nanny. I’m practically an expert.

Very very low (also not the best idea to google “statistical probabilities of immaculate conception” on your work computer)

If I had a child,  I would expect it to be a low chance for it to happen. But from past experience, put a plate of buffalo wings in front of me and anything can happen.
Well now….if I visit the zoo with my future unborn children, they’ll probably have one of those kid harnesses that leash to my fanny pack.